Blend: The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family by Mashonda Tifrere & Alicia Keys

Author:Mashonda Tifrere & Alicia Keys
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: parenting
ISBN: 0143132571
Publisher: TarcherPerigee
Published: 2018-10-02T04:00:00+00:00

IN HER SHOES

Empathy is the decision to step into another person’s perspective. It is the antidote to ego because it replaces the “me” and the “I” with “you.”

When Alicia met Kasseem and me for that dinner, empathy played a tremendous role. I was able to put myself in Alicia’s shoes because I remembered how vulnerable I felt meeting Swizz’s oldest son for the first time. When he was born, Mum told me with memorable conviction, “If you love Swizz, you must love his child as if he’s your own.” I understood what this meant right away, so I took heed to the advice my grandmother provided. I knew that he wasn’t my child, but in his little face, I saw Angel, the son I lost, and I saw my future children with Swizz. This child was a gift and as adults we must remember that children don’t ask to be here. They enter our lives with great purpose and they deserve to be treated with selfless, egoless love.

Because of my experience with Swizz’s oldest son, I knew that it was possible that Alicia would put her best foot forward in taking care of Kasseem. I recognized this similarity: we were both women willing to love and care for a child who didn’t come from our own wombs.

Recognizing a similarity in another person is the first step toward empathy. If you can identify how you and another are alike in character or circumstance, then you can begin to imagine the situation from his or her perspective. Empathy is not simply about caring for another person. It is placing yourself in a mental and emotional position to feel what they are feeling. Empathy is using your imagination to adopt another person’s perspective and becoming sensitive to the experiences that have influenced that perspective. If you are fully immersed in the act of empathy, there is literally no room for your own emotions, feelings, and prejudices.

The ego won’t like this and will try to undermine your efforts by whispering in your ear, “You have nothing in common with this person,” “You can’t possibly understand her,” and sometimes even “You are much better/much worse than him.” Don’t listen to the ego. The truth is that human beings are divinely designed to connect with one another. Once we set aside judgment, we can find the link with the other person and build a foundation.

Empathy requires work, and it may seem like a lot of effort to some women and men; these are often the same people who claim they don’t need to have a relationship with their ex’s new partner. I recognized that Kasseem’s life was about to change, and so it was imperative that I understood the new woman in my son’s life.

During our discussion about this book, Dr. Shefali explained that how a child perceives a new romantic relationship depends on how the parents contextualize things for the child: “It can be a very beneficial thing for the child to have different and new people in their lives.

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